Confused.

I actually wrote this early September of 2014. I never published 'cause this was just my way of coping with stress and all other emotions. But this 2015, I wanted to be more active on this blog of mine. I used to post photo-diary of events or travel I've been to; but from now on, I'll include narratives like this one.

I know my last post (which was last May of 2014) is about our beach trip in Sariaya, Quezon with my family plus one. I know this next post would be an extreme transition in terms of mood and content but oh well, I don't have anything right now to say. I think I just needed to post this.

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Don't make me pretend to be someone who I am not.

This is who I am. I know we're totally opposite, well, not totally, but opposite yes. So don't make me someone like you. I'm not pushing you to be someone like me because I know, right from the start, that's who you are. And I don't want you to change just because I want to--I want you to change because you want to.

I don't know what happened to us. Sometimes....a lot of times, I feel like asking you for space. Space and time apart. Sometimes I feel like this is going nowhere. That I'm just staying because of our families. Because of the friends we have. Sometimes I feel that those precious moments when we're okay are very superficial moments. Sometimes.....a lot of times, I don't know what I'd do to you; but there also times when I don't know what I would do without you.

Life is a big contradiction. You are born to die. You inhale to exhale. You love to get hurt. 

But this...

I used to be very in love with you. Don't get me wrong--I am still very in love with you. However, of course a lot of things happened. We're fighting almost as much as we're not fighting. It gets really frustrating. I'm losing that energy of keeping up with you. I just want to let it flow and I'll go with the flow. I just want you to tell me what needs to be done and then I'll do it. But no. You won't tell me. You'll tell me to think about it. Damn it. I'm tired. Why can't we be just like when we started... We were so happy. I mean, HAPPY! But now, we are going through a lot. We have a lot of issues. We have a lot of unresolved conflicts. My love for you does not fade. But my abhorrence for you is there. I don't know how it happened. I don't know what transpired between us.

And now I am confused...